Joke's Corner - Too Much Tanning

      Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the light so long, the protection eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day I thought, "man, I look like a  clown."
      I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked.

- Nina Secviar, RD -

Joke's Corner - Internet Effect

      My husband and I are both in an internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad in had gotten. When I scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

- Chritine Ayman, RD -

Joke's Corner - Nice Name

      A pregnant woman lapses into a deep coma. She awakens and frantically calls for the doctor.
      "You had twins. A boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
      Oh no, the new mother thinks. He's and idiot. Expecting the worst, she ask, "What's the girl's name?"
      "Denise." the doctor says. Not bad, she thinks. Guess I was wrong about him.
      "And the boy?"
      "DeNephew"

- Anonymous, RD -

Joke Corner - A 'Short-Cut' Joke

      In a lecture to a group of Korean officers, Lieut. Gen. Bruce C. Clarke, at that time deputy commander of the Eighth Army in Korea, took two to three minutes to tell his favourite joke. Everyone immediately burst into hearty laughter. After the lecture General Clarke asked the interpreter how he had been able to retell such a relatively long joke so quickly.
      " Well, Sir," the Korean interpreter replied, " I didn't think everyone would get the point, so I said, 'The general has just told a joke, everyone will please laugh.' "

- Robert H. Selleck, RD -

Joke's Corner - Twenty Vs Thirty

The summer after college graduation, I was Living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with friends - generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"

- Marshall K. Essig, RD -

Joke's Corner - First Child

His wife was going into labour, and a man dialed 911 in a panic. When the dispatcher came on the line, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What am I supposed to do?"
The dispatcher said, "Calm down, sir. Is this her first child?"
"No," the frantic man replied.
"This is her husband!"

- Anonymous, RD -

Joke's Corner - The Partner

  Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and started making advances to you?"
My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm issued a pistol?" she replied. She's now a Mountie.

-  Floyd Kelly, RD -

Joke's Corner - The Dog On His Own.

    In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually end up there. The office staff knew him very well and would call me to come pick him up.
    One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine. "Will you be bringing him?" asked the receptionist. "Or will he be coming on his own?"

- Laura Staszak, RD -

Joke's Corner - Keep The Mouth Open

This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. 
During the ride they talked about the procedure.
"Dad," the teenage asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"
Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

- Kingsley Colaco, RD -

Joke's Corner - The Piano & Clarinet

My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing. 
"We returned the piano," said Dad. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because," he explained, "with a clarinet, she can't sing along."

- Don Foster, RD -

Joke's Corner - Drive And Phone

While on the freeway in Los Angeles, I was behind a pack of cars. The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not escape the attention of a California Highway Patrol Officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loud speaker, "If you cant's stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over until the call is completed."

Immediately eight cars pulled over.

- Greg Ash, RD -

Joke's Corner - The Oldest Thing

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to aks what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The title of their project was "The oldest thing in my house."

- Aimee Kent, RD -

Joker's Corner - Goin' Under The Knife

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."
"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living well?"

- Edward Lee Griffin, RD -

Joke's Corner - Day Off

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.

A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand.
"Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

- Allen Israel, RD -

Joke's Corner - Turns Positive

Two atoms are walking down the sidewalk when they accidentally bump into each other. "I'm really sorry!" the first atom exclaims.

"Are you all right?"
"Actually, no," the second atom replies. "I lost an electron."
"Oh, no! are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

- Vyas Sarweshwar Prasad, RD -

Joke's Corner - Without You Chris...

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial seesions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

- Kurt Shellenback, RD -

Joke's Corner - Stories

As part of his talk at a banquet, out minister told some jokes and a few funny stories. Since he planned to use the same anecdotes at a meeting the next day, he asked reporters covering the event not to include them in their articles.

Reading the paper the following morning, he noticed that one well-meaning cub reporter had ended his story on the banquet with the observation "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

-Dan Betts, RD -

Joke's Corner - Cash Transporter

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.

"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."
As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."

- Brian Burton, RD -

Joke's Corner - My Dogs

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.

- Susan Mottice, RD -

Joke's Corner - Husband = Pain ???

The patient who came to my radiology office for abdominal X rays was already heavily sedated. But I still had to ask her a lot of questions, the last one being, "Ma'am, where is your pain right now?"
Through her medicated fog, she answered, "He's at work."

- Jeff Doty, RD -