Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the light so long, the protection eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day I thought, "man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked.
My husband and I are both in an internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad in had gotten. When I scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
A pregnant woman lapses into a deep coma. She awakens and frantically calls for the doctor.
"You had twins. A boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh no, the new mother thinks. He's and idiot. Expecting the worst, she ask, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise." the doctor says. Not bad, she thinks. Guess I was wrong about him.
"And the boy?"
In a lecture to a group of Korean officers, Lieut. Gen. Bruce C. Clarke, at that time deputy commander of the Eighth Army in Korea, took two to three minutes to tell his favourite joke. Everyone immediately burst into hearty laughter. After the lecture General Clarke asked the interpreter how he had been able to retell such a relatively long joke so quickly.
" Well, Sir," the Korean interpreter replied, " I didn't think everyone would get the point, so I said, 'The general has just told a joke, everyone will please laugh.' "
The summer after college graduation, I was Living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with friends - generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
His wife was going into labour, and a man dialed 911 in a panic. When the dispatcher came on the line, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What am I supposed to do?"
The dispatcher said, "Calm down, sir. Is this her first child?"
"No," the frantic man replied.
"This is her husband!"
Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and started making advances to you?"
My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm issued a pistol?" she replied. She's now a Mountie.