His wife was going into labour, and a man dialed 911 in a panic. When the dispatcher came on the line, he cried, "My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only two minutes apart. What am I supposed to do?"
The dispatcher said, "Calm down, sir. Is this her first child?"
"No," the frantic man replied.
"This is her husband!"
Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and started making advances to you?"
My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm issued a pistol?" she replied. She's now a Mountie.
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually end up there. The office staff knew him very well and would call me to come pick him up. One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine. "Will you be bringing him?" asked the receptionist. "Or will he be coming on his own?"
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenage asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing. "We returned the piano," said Dad. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "Why?" I asked. "Because," he explained, "with a clarinet, she can't sing along."
While on the freeway in Los Angeles, I was behind a pack of cars. The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not escape the attention of a California Highway Patrol Officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loud speaker, "If you cant's stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over until the call is completed."
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."
"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue." "Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living well?"
During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.
A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.
Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial seesions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
As part of his talk at a banquet, out minister told some jokes and a few funny stories. Since he planned to use the same anecdotes at a meeting the next day, he asked reporters covering the event not to include them in their articles.
Reading the paper the following morning, he noticed that one well-meaning cub reporter had ended his story on the banquet with the observation "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore." As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
The patient who came to my radiology office for abdominal X rays was already heavily sedated. But I still had to ask her a lot of questions, the last one being, "Ma'am, where is your pain right now?" Through her medicated fog, she answered, "He's at work."
My sister's lack of sports knowledge recently became evident when we attended a pro-hockey game. After one of the home players scored, the crowd screamed and the monitors around the rink flashed: "G O A L."
After cheering wildly, my sister turned and asked, "Who's Al?"
Seems like everybody's got a price,
I wonder how they sleep at night.
When the sale comes first,
And the truth comes second,
Just stop, for a minute and
Why is everybody so serious
Acting so damn mysterious
Got your shades on your eyes
And your heels so high
That you can't even have a good time
Everybody look to their left (yeah)
Everybody look to their right (ha)
Can you feel that (yeah)
We're paying with love tonight
It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag
Ain't about the (uh) Cha-Ching Cha-Ching.
Aint about the (yeah) Ba-Bling Ba-Bling
Wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag.
We need to take it back in time,
When music made us all unite
And it wasn't low blows and video hoes,
Am I the only one getting tired
Why is everybody so obsessed
Money can't buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now
Guarantee we'll be feeling Alright.
As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I come to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire. The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance. "See that little sign about three blocks away?" he asked. "You mean the red one that says industrial center?" I asked. "Man!" he exclaimed. "You've got eyes like an eagle!"
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming each time, "Mommy, you look beautiful!"
A woman in the next dressing room called out, "Can I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
John told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when a bill for $3,200 arrived after the funeral, John paid it. The next month, he received a bill for $85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally. But month later, after receiving another bill for $85, John called the funeral director.
"You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him a tuxedo."
When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit. Michael's father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after photo. Embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble, Michael looked straight ahead and didn't change his expression.
Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Comito, give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking them, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. But finally one little boy answered bravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
My father's secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children's parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
"Well," she explained, "he mostly says, 'Here, kitty, kitty'."
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain - all on the bottom shelf.
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, and all of the others include Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to preserve until the last possible moment when the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place for you here.
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness let me go with you." "Oh… Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Love realized how much he owed the elder, he went to ask Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered. "Time?" answered Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered…
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
-----------are like apples-------- -------on trees. The best ones----- -----are at the top of the tree.----- ---The boys dont want to reach--- --for the good ones because they-- -r afraid of falling and getting hurt.- -Instead, they get the rotten apples- from the ground that arent as good, but easy. So the apples up top think something wrong with them when in -reality they're amazing. They just-- ---have to wait for the right boy to ---- come along, the one who's- ----------- brave enough to----- ---------------climb all--------- ---------------the way-------- --------------to the top-------- ---------------of the tree.-----------