Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial seesions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
As part of his talk at a banquet, out minister told some jokes and a few funny stories. Since he planned to use the same anecdotes at a meeting the next day, he asked reporters covering the event not to include them in their articles.
Reading the paper the following morning, he noticed that one well-meaning cub reporter had ended his story on the banquet with the observation "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore." As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
The patient who came to my radiology office for abdominal X rays was already heavily sedated. But I still had to ask her a lot of questions, the last one being, "Ma'am, where is your pain right now?" Through her medicated fog, she answered, "He's at work."
My sister's lack of sports knowledge recently became evident when we attended a pro-hockey game. After one of the home players scored, the crowd screamed and the monitors around the rink flashed: "G O A L."
After cheering wildly, my sister turned and asked, "Who's Al?"
Seems like everybody's got a price,
I wonder how they sleep at night.
When the sale comes first,
And the truth comes second,
Just stop, for a minute and
Why is everybody so serious
Acting so damn mysterious
Got your shades on your eyes
And your heels so high
That you can't even have a good time
Everybody look to their left (yeah)
Everybody look to their right (ha)
Can you feel that (yeah)
We're paying with love tonight
It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag
Ain't about the (uh) Cha-Ching Cha-Ching.
Aint about the (yeah) Ba-Bling Ba-Bling
Wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag.
We need to take it back in time,
When music made us all unite
And it wasn't low blows and video hoes,
Am I the only one getting tired
Why is everybody so obsessed
Money can't buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now
Guarantee we'll be feeling Alright.
As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I come to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire. The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance. "See that little sign about three blocks away?" he asked. "You mean the red one that says industrial center?" I asked. "Man!" he exclaimed. "You've got eyes like an eagle!"
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming each time, "Mommy, you look beautiful!"
A woman in the next dressing room called out, "Can I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
John told the mortician to spare no expense for his father's funeral. So when a bill for $3,200 arrived after the funeral, John paid it. The next month, he received a bill for $85. He paid it, figuring it had been left off the original tally. But month later, after receiving another bill for $85, John called the funeral director.
"You said you wanted the best funeral we could arrange," the director told him. "So I rented him a tuxedo."
When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit. Michael's father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after photo. Embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble, Michael looked straight ahead and didn't change his expression.
Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Comito, give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking them, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. But finally one little boy answered bravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
My father's secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children's parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
"Well," she explained, "he mostly says, 'Here, kitty, kitty'."
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain - all on the bottom shelf.
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, and all of the others include Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to preserve until the last possible moment when the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place for you here.
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness let me go with you." "Oh… Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Love realized how much he owed the elder, he went to ask Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered. "Time?" answered Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered…
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
-----------are like apples-------- -------on trees. The best ones----- -----are at the top of the tree.----- ---The boys dont want to reach--- --for the good ones because they-- -r afraid of falling and getting hurt.- -Instead, they get the rotten apples- from the ground that arent as good, but easy. So the apples up top think something wrong with them when in -reality they're amazing. They just-- ---have to wait for the right boy to ---- come along, the one who's- ----------- brave enough to----- ---------------climb all--------- ---------------the way-------- --------------to the top-------- ---------------of the tree.-----------
Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the highway." "And you didn't stop?"
My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer's computer all morning and was still tense from the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car. I couldn't help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, "Scroll up, honey."
The company where I work provides four-foot-high cubicles so each employee can have some privacy. One day a co-worker had an exasperating phone conversation with one of her teenage son. After hanging up, she heaved a sigh and said, "No one ever listens to me."
Immediately, several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, "Yes, we do."
Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it. Months later, when the box was moved during remodling, we found a single slip of paper inside. the suggestion read, "Lower the box!"
To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway. After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach.
"I'll get it, Daddy," Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier.
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost."